gmail.com
October 2001: Humour mailings discontinued. No fun.
G. J. Pareja - Vancouver, Canada -
gparejagmail.com
Friday Humor
January 1, 1999
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to
avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
* * * *
A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells
the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter
leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the
waiter: "Hold the turtle, make it pea."
* * * *
A father had two sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist while the
other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided to try to
temper both of their proclivities, so in addition to their standard
gifts, he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for
them". His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he
could possibly desire, while the optimist would be given a shovel
and directed to the basement, which was filled with manure. On
Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent
the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room
filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he
turned to his father with a sad face. "How can I possibly use all
these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all
the other toys will be broken." Disturbed that his plan had half-
failed, he quickly dashed to the basement to see how the other half
was progressing. There in the basement was his other son, shoveling
the manure with a gleeful smile. The incredulous father asked him
why he was so happy, "Father, with this much manure, there must be a
pony in here somewhere!"
* * * *
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing
anything for a while, the priest knocked on the wall. The drunk
said: "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in here either."
* * * *
The difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman
leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans
out his window and replies "COW!!" They each continue on their
way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig
in the middle of the road.
Friday Humor
March 26, 1999
It all depends on the punctuation....
An English professor wrote the words:
"woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it
correctly.
The male students wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The female students wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
................................................................
Could you spell that for me, please?
One day a package arrived at a school, addressed to "Effison
Frank A.R.A" at the school address. Not having anyone by that
name, the package sat in the front office waiting for someone to
claim it. The mystery was unsolved for several weeks until
someone phoned the office: "Hello, this is Mrs. Fara. I ordered
a package several weeks ago and it hasn't arrived yet. Fara: F as
in Frank, A - R - A."
................................................................
Three men -- a doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician -- were
discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a
wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have
both so that when your wife thinks you're with your mistress and
your mistress thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some
mathematics."
................................................................
Math Riddles
Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount
Everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use
Q: What do you call a broken record?
A: A Decca-gone
Q: What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male
deer?
A: One hundred sows-and-bucks
Q: What's the area of a circle?
A: "Pi r square"
Rebuttal: Pie are not square; pie are round; cornbread are
square.
Friday Humor
May 7, 1999
HOW TO BE ANNOYING
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that
way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's
backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to
lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over
climactic parts of rental movies.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with
Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
- Leave someone's printer in
compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and
reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie bells to all your clothes.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
someone's roadmaps.
- Light road flares on your parent's birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your
socks.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Inform others that they exist only in your
imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect
a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing
the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case
the big one comes".
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying
everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your
head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time
of day.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great
glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's
a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce
each "a".
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in
accordance with prophecy".
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky
wicket isn't cricket."
- Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a
"magic picture".
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out
victims.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your
sentences, producing awkward silences with the
impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
- Never make eye contact.
- If you do make eye contact, never break eye contact.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
- Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
.................................................................
Ten Myths Perpetrated by American Movies
#1. The entire population of France speaks fluent, charming
English.
#2. A six-shooter holds 18 bullets.
#3. Breathtakingly beautiful women regularly work as juke joint
waitresses, dog walkers, supermarket cashiers, pump jockeys
and police detectives.
#4. Any injury suffered in a bar fight (including extracted
teeth) takes no more than six minutes to heal.
#5. All priests are musical.
#6. Convenient parking spaces are readily available in major
American cities any time of day or night.
#7. Men can spend weeks on a raft or in a desert and never grow
more than a two-day stubble of beard.
#8. Anyone can down six or seven shots of straight whiskey and
then get a gun out of a holster.
#9. Dogs, horses, whales and pigs sport senses of humor that
rival Noel Coward's.
#10. Money doesn't matter.
(attributed to Joe Bailey, New York City)
.................................................................
Fractured English
Hair-cutter and clean shaver. Gentlemen's throats cut with very
sharp razors with great care and skill. No irritating feeling
afterwards.
- Barber-shop notice, Bombay
You will make a trip in the steppes and have optic appearances
- Travel brochure, Sweden
Certified midwife: entrance sideways
- Street sign, Jerusalem
Friday Humor
July 9, 1999
KERMIT JAGGER
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So
he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go
on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants
to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and
the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he
knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She
asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says,
"Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant,
about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with
the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up
the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick
knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
.................................................................
What's it all for?
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The
American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, only a little while. The American then asked
why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican
said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The
American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your
time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play
with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into
the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my
amigos. I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a
bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy
several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing
boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would
sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own
cannery. You would control the product, processing and
distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing
village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where
you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?", the Mexican fisherman asked.
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the
time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company
stock to the public and become very rich, you would make
millions."
"Millions ... what then?", the Mexican fisherman asked.
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll
to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play
your guitar with your amigos."
.................................................................
Did You Hear That?
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
[Thanks, JM]
_________________________________________________
FISH & CHIPS
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and
requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner
and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After
dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this
is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a
wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever
tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar,"
She turned to the other brother and says, "then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
_________________________________________________
FISHING
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New
York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand,
fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.
"Tch, Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight.
That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I
can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are
you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with
me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger
to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine
cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man,
and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this
morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
--------------
Egotist
"An egotist is a man who plays too big a part in his own life."
-- Mo Dest
.................................................................
Grandma's Visit
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm
so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick
he's been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that dear?", she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would
climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"
_________________________________________________
Mischief
An exasperated mother whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________
Red and Blue
A bottle of red ink sat for months on a shelf alongside a bottle
of blue ink. One morning they awoke to find a tiny bottle of
purple ink had appeared. The bottle of red ink turned to the
bottle of blue ink and whispered coyly, "I had an inkling this
would happen".
_________________________________________________
Quickies
Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a French
kitchen?
A: Linoleum blownapart.
The fellow who's busy pulling on the oars hasn't got time to rock
the boat.
-- Oarsmen's proverb
_________________________________________________
Puzzle answers (from June 1st)
(1) UALLS
-----
NOW
Answer: All between us is over now.
(2) WETHER
Answer: A bad spell of weather.
.................................................................
Completely concerned with... Lawyers!
A traveler is in a European city and visits an antique shop. He
sees a gold rat and asks the shopkeeper the price. The shopkeeper
answers, "it is $2000 without the story, and $3000 with the
story". The traveler says he will take the rat, but he doesn't
care about the story. He pays for the gold rat, the shopkeeper
wraps it, and the traveler leaves. While walking back to his
hotel, he notices, after passing an alley, about 50 rats running
behind him. He passes another alley and now 200 rats are behind
him. He passes a third alley and the rat total is up to 500. He
then crosses a bridge over a canal and throws the box containing
the gold rat into the canal. All 500 rats follow the box into the
canal and they all drown. The traveler turns around and walks back
to the antique shop. The shopkeeper greets him with, "Ah, you came
back for the story!" The traveler responds with, "No, I just
wondered if you had any gold lawyers."
___________________________________________________________
Terrorists invade a Law Society meeting and hold all the lawyers
there hostage. They send a note to the mayor. "we want $5 million
and a helicopter. If you fail to meet these demands, we will
release one lawyer every hour until you do."
___________________________________________________________
A lawyer is killed in an auto accident. When he gets to heaven,
Saint Peter runs up to him, shakes his hand vigorously, and says
"Congratulations, we are all so proud of you."
"For what?" The lawyer asks.
"For what! You managed to live longer than anyone else since
biblical times. You're somewhat of a hero up here."
The lawyer shakes his head and says "There must be some mistake."
"No mistake" says Saint Peter, "you lived to be 160 years old."
"But I was only 40 when I died" says the lawyer.
Saint Peter looks at him and says "Not according to your time
sheets."
___________________________________________________________
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the
express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at
his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was
clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned
over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you
wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer..."
.................................................................
Aphorism of the week
Un padre que da consejos, m�s que padre es un amigo
(A father who gives advice is more than a father; he is a friend)
- Jos� Hern�ndez (1834-1886), Argentine poet
(In honour of Argentina's Independence Day - July 9, 1816)
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